Over the last year I've been working with a girl who recently became amenable to the idea of meeting a play partner – someone to swap massage and practise tantric meditations with. I'm not sure if she'd like me to make her story quite so public so I shall call her Heather for the sake of this blog. Heather is learning, through tantra how to receive pleasure, ask for what she wants and to step into her feminine power. She is a refugee from a war torn country, and has suffered enough in her life to make her hyper-cautious when it comes to men, sex and relationships. Heather is a creative woman, a talented artist in fact. She is pretty and charming and could attract any man if she wanted, but she isn't looking for a relationship right now, having reached the end of her tether, navigating the ups and downs of serial monogamy.
Heather's story is not unusual. Many people are disillusioned with the conventional 'love story' we're stuck in when it comes to relationships – boy meets girl. Boy fancies girl...boy puts girl on pedestal (mother stuff). Girl hopes with all her heart that this time it won't end in tears. Boy brings flowers and runs her a bath regularly with petals in. Girl is ecstatic - she's found her knight in shining armour. Boy gets lazy and begins to ignore girl (boy doesn't see why he should have to put so much effort into keeping up the romance)...girl gets bitchy because he seems to have lost interest in her. Girl begins to withhold in various ways...boy kicks pedestal away (mother stuff), girl is heart-broken and judges herself harshly (father stuff), boy starts to notice all the sunny girls on the greener grass...girl senses this (women know everything) and becomes more bitchy...boy has an affair, or leaves, or gradually erodes the girl's self-esteem until she is a shell of her former self. Neither boy nor girl know how to navigate such a narrow and unimaginative system of relating. It's quite clear something's not working.
What a state we've got ourselves into - human beings bumbling about trying to find a way to live together in harmony on planet earth. How many lonely people are out there, longing to connect with others and yet go days, months, years without even a hug? I started thinking...what would happen if we scrapped the traditional boy-meets-girl scenario and tried an experiment – set up a blind date in a tantric temple? It was one of those Aha! moments.
Perhaps I could introduce these two wonderful clients of mine, bringing them together in a series of rituals built on respect and honouring. Their first meeting would be unencumbered by expectations and hope. In a state of childlike wonder they would step onto the tantric path together. It was obvious that Heather and Tony shared a common intention - to connect heart to heart with a pleasure partner, no strings attached. This was the perfect opportunity to allow two souls to meet and merge, organically and authentically - beyond stories, beyond personalities.
It was a novel idea for sure, but the more I thought about it the more it made sense to me. It would take courage for Heather and Tony to dive straight into the alchemical waters of tantra with someone they knew nothing about. They would have to be willing to ride the turbulent waves of passion and surrender to the bliss of tantric meditation - with a stranger. It certainly wouldn't allow for normal doubts to rear their ugly heads. 'Do I trust him/her?'. That question was moot. One would have to face the real question - 'Do I trust myself?' It would also require complete flexibility on my part. As the facilitator I'd be forced to let go of any agenda and respond spontaneously to what was happening in each moment, as these two people gradually revealed themselves to each other.
How different would this be to the conventional one of seeing how many points your date scored on your check-list of criteria; Potential wife or husband? Good parent material? Mortgage provider? Companion in old age? We don't even know we're doing it half the time – superimposing someone over the script we've written, and then being disappointed when they don't match up.
I sent a couple of emails and Tony and Heather responded positively to my suggestion to show up blind and trust in tantra.
So here was Heather knocking at the door, panting, sweating and looking terrified. She'd run all the way, thinking she was late and arrived ten minutes ahead of Tony, giving herself enough time for a shower. A good omen I thought...perfect timing.
When Tony walked in I sat them comfortably opposite each other, on Back Jack chairs on the floor. Monsoon Point was playing softly in the background, and before they had said anything more than 'hello' I showed them how to 'Namaste', bowing down to the divine masculine and feminine – Shiva and Shakti in union. Heather seemed to have calmed down and looked relaxed in her sarong.
Then it was time for the Tantric Tea Ceremony. What an extraordinary way to get to know someone! During this profound ritual, no words are spoken but everything that could possibly be said is being communicated through the pouring and drinking of tea. This ceremony was the ritualistic opening of the temple, and you could feel the magic in the air like a spell that had been cast.
As a natural flow, the tea ceremony led into a devotional foot massage. While Heather was massaging Tony's feet he was asked to share his three greatest fears, and then his three greatest desires. In an altered state of consciousness it's easier to be honest, and he answered with such vulnerability I found myself crying. Tony then massaged Heather's feet while she also shared her personal fears and desires. Somehow, because there was no history between them, there was no judgement in the listening, just a spaciousness that seemed to allow for the truth to be shared, simply and effortlessly...I have been moved many times by witnessing this ceremony melt couples, some of whom have been emotionally estranged from each other for years. But to see two strangers open their hearts fearlessly, in such a short space of time was breathtaking.
We moved the chairs away and stood up, ready to play something I call 'The Permission Game'. This is a structure that really challenges people to be clear about their boundaries with each other and also encourages them to be more courageous, and even outrageous in asking for what they want. The rules are simple. One person asks if they can do something to someone in the circle, eg. “May I give you a hug?” or “Can I remove your shirt?”. The person can respond in one of four ways – 'Yes'. 'No'. 'Can you ask something else?' And 'stop'. They can say 'stop' at any point during the turn. If the person you ask says no, you miss your turn. You can imagine what happens. Well, pretty much everyone is naked by the end, obviously. The game can get wild and kinky and can go in pretty much any direction...but the bottom line is that everyone's boundaries are respected. Heather and Tony were naturals. They were both in a playful mood with each other, and it kept the atmosphere light. They even felt brave enough to try things they'd never been open to before – spanking, feathering, light bondage. There was a lot of laughter.
We made our way through to the cosy massage space, which I'd prepared earlier with candles, soft cushions and mattresses on the floor. This was the first time Tony had received a four-hands massage. It was every man's dream come true – two naked women giving full attention to his most profound pleasure. Tuning into the rise and fall of his breath, we slowly massaged every inch of his body, following his ever-increasing arousal. By the end of the massage Tony was in a state of total surrender, completely satiated. Witnessing a man who is both sexually excited and deeply relaxed at the same time is a wondrous thing. Every woman should experience it!
Heather lay down, ready to receive, and Tony and I began to caress her skin with ostrich feathers. She shuddered in ecstasy and giggled with delight. All three of us were hyper-sensitised, aware of every subtle movement, smell, sound and sensation. Our energy had merged and we were experiencing the massage as if we were one being. There was no need for words, we seemed to be linked by some invisible force that carried us downstream on the river of ecstasy towards the ocean of bliss...
At the end of the session, after we namaste'd each other, Tony and Heather both remarked that even though there had been no penetration at all they felt as if they had been loved to the very core of their being. There had been no sex but we had become sexually enlightened. The session had surpassed all my expectations and I sincerely hope that Tony and Heather are out there somewhere, giving each other pleasure beyond their wildest dreams...
If there's someone you rather fancy diving deep into tantra with, give me a call. This is the work I love (although I can hardly call it work), freeing people from their limited beliefs about what love and sex is, and inspiring them to look outside the box. In fact, if you're single and want to put your name into my little red book, I'll see who I can set you up with for the journey of a lifetime...
To find out more or to connect with me, first take a look at my websites:
and of course, facebook: Kavida Rei ~ Tantric Goddess